finding your kinks

Y'all asked how to find your kinks, which is both a simple & complicated answer.

How kinksters find their kinks is as diverse as kinksters themselves. Books we've read, movies we've watched, porn that we saw, conversations with lovers & friends (former or current). Whether it occurred to you in the moment or just wiggled away in your brain until later, chances are you've discovered a kinky desire already.

The key to finding the kinks that speak authentically to you is reflecting on your interests, fantasies, & intentions. Read & learn about different kinks, scenes, play -- does any of it spark something in you? Unpack what intrigues you, find the pieces that arouse you, & from there you'll find your kinks.

If you want to dive even further, I fully recommend the Authentic Kink workbook by Princess Kali as an in depth exercise in discovering your authentic kink desires.

And finally, I want you all to reflect on this: do you want to know how to find your kinks, or are you truly looking for how to accept the kinks you've already found but are scared to explore?

🌱 be brave, little pleasure seedlings

Swipe through or read below for some ways that myself & others have looked to find our desires, as well as how we reflect on our fantasies to understand them better. And read to the end for a quick story on one of my own biggest kink clues!

MEDIA & FANTASY

• media (books, movies, tv shows)

  • what are you drawn to? what sparks your interest? why do you think you are drawn to it?

• erotic media (erotica, porn)

  • what turns you on? unpack that into feelings

• what fantasies do you come back to again & again?

  • are there fantasies you want to keep fantasies vs ones you actively want to experience?

• unpack your spank bank!

  • what are the feelings you seek in your desires?

  • what are the pieces that compose your fantasies?

  • if your fantasy was a script for a movie, what are the props? the scenes? the actions?

EXPLORATIONS

• reflect on the above or kinks you've learned about

  • what pulls you in? a feeling? sensation? archetype?

  • learn about new kinks & try them (kink tastings, demos) from an almost academic perspective

• explore with a partner

  • what would you need from someone else to feel safe exploring with them?

  • try things they're interested in & see if it sparks something for you too

• chat with your kinky friends!

  • discuss your kinks & interests together, does anything they mention get you intrigued?

• make a mental or physical list of experiences/sensations/roles/desires/feelings/etc you'd like to play with or are curious about

  • consider the specific intention behind each exploration

    • to feel strong? vulnerable? taboo? mischievous? naughty? good? beautiful? desired?

• accept when you aren't into something

  • whether it's something you're learning about that doesn't click

  • or something you used to be into but isn't doing it for you anymore

[photo by Kanan]

Story time!

So, how did I figure out some of my biggest kinks early on? Well let’s just say my teenage reading habits were quite informative! You see, as a late teenager I started reading a lot of young adult (YA) vampire novels. Occasionally I would read some good Anne Rice and, yes, Lestat was a delight. But my main literature feasts were exactly the dreamy, sometimes sparkly, always gorgeous, broody, powerful vampires you can probably imagine. Then throw in a few YA urban fae stories (think Holly Black & Melissa Marr), all with their own beguiling dark, beautiful characters. Toss in a dash of aggressive behaviors and sexual intensity, ya know, some biting and fighting and what not. And welcome to baby kinkster Quinn. 😂

But truly, this is all very important. Because you see I didn’t know at the time that all those fantasies were possible to play with through kink. I thought I daydreamed about the impossible. But as I grew older and began to explore my sexuality/sensuality, and with the help of some equally curious partners, I began to realize the pieces within all those YA fantasy novels that could form some beautifully consensual kink scenes. My broody, troubled, temperamental vampire lover? Well, maybe tonight that would be my boyfriend with some false fangs holding me down and play biting my skin. That beguiling, equal parts cruel and compassionate fae seductress? Perhaps my androgynous femme lover would want to indulge in some witty banter with references from our favorite series on our date tomorrow. The fantasies I had been coveting since the dawning of my sexuality all had pieces that I could explore through the power dynamics, pain, and roleplay of kink.

My point is that sometimes our kinks need only be drawn out from the fantasies we’ve held dear & secret. Look at your own pleasure daydreams, piece them apart, and see what’s in there to explore through the possibilities of kink play.